This is a little long but its very open, vulnerable and personal. So please do bear with me!
ONE QUESTION that changed my life.
2013.... "I hate myself. I hate my life. If I was dead everyone would be better off. I'm such a catastrophic failure."
This was my belief, my relationship with myself, for nearly 35 years.
At age 3 I lost my Dad in tragic sudden circumstances. The love of my life. Just gone.
From 12 I struggled with finding school easy but boring. Constantly in trouble. Bullying. Abuse.
Barely scraped through school in spite of a high IQ.
Deeply unhappy at home, in school. Almost zero friends. Nobody to talk to. Except counsellors and therapists from age 12 telling me I must try harder or that I'm spoilt.
By age 39 even though I had a successful salon in Killarney I'd had two meltdowns and almost took my life twice. I was 4 stone (25 kg) heavier. Overweight. Overwhelmed. In dire financial and legal trouble.
Heavy drinking. Substance abuse. Antidepressants. Therapists. Psychotherapists. Psychiatrists.
I had just left an extremely toxic relationship. I felt humiliated , a man on the receiving end of bullying, played out in front of my kids. What kind of a father am I. What kind of a man am I. And I don't even have the guts to die!
I lost absolutely everything in the weeks leading up to my 40th birthday. Sleeping in my salon. Or my car.
That's when it began to change. Even though I hated Eamonn, it dawned on me that my 5 little kids adored me. No , I'm not going to inflict my loss at age 3 onto them now, and by my own hand. I'm condemning them. I may not love me, but I love them.... and they love me!!! That was the spark. The light. From no way. A way. They. LOVE. ME!!!
One night, alone in my car...
WHY is this happening to me?!!!!!
I roared at my steering wheel, tears pouring down my face. Then a stillness inside said... "because it is. Ask a better question.
Then... the question that saved my life and would absolutely transform my life.......
"Ok, so how would I like it to be?"
"Never mind who I am right now.... who do I want to BECOME."
"What if 40 isn't the end.... what if it's just the end of the dark? What if it's... the beginning? What if I felt whole and complete, what would that look like? What would that feel like?"
The next couple of years would be unbelievably difficult. So many crushing setbacks and failures. It was such a challenge to get to see my kids. I worked so hard as a talented barber... according to clients- I didn't appreciate my work or myself. Yet I was always broke, anxious. I often fell asleep in tears. But these were different tears.
"A million dreams is all it's gonna take ". Yes.
I decided I am fucking sick and tired of being sick and tired!!! I'm going after it. I mean, I'm gonna die someday anyway, so there's nothing to lose... besides, I did that already!"
I always always told my kids... someday we're going to live in a beautiful house. In nature. Near water. I won't be barbering anymore. I'll work for myself. My hours. And so it is. They know I keep my promises. They're the fuel in my tank.
At one point I worked three jobs to put myself through my studies. I remember getting up at 5am, creating content for courses until 7am, working all day as a barber, changing my clothes in the carpark, quick nap, then go see probono clients to hone my gifts as a coach, mentor, spiritual way-shower.
So many people threw rocks at me, belittled me. Mocked me. I came close to giving up. So many times. No... one more step. One more go....
Now aged 48 and at a level of inner peace I could never have understood back then, blessed by unconditional love for my kids and from my kids, (my 5 saviours and my 5 greatest teachers, they've been on such a brave journey too), a beautiful home, working with wonderful clients and students to help them transform their lives, life is good. Life is amazing. I love life. I love that I get to be me.
I work at my dream career now.
Sure, I still have my dark days, but I now have so many tools and awareness for total transformation.
And why would I keep it to myself?!!!
So, my friend....
Ask yourself... who do YOU want to be.
Figure out for YOURSELF... what makes YOU happy.
How do YOU want to serve the world.
Ask yourself these questions like your very life depended on it.... because it DOES.
You absolutely CAN be do and have everything you want. I'm super excited about life's coming attractions!! I'm excited for you too, because I know exactly how great you are!!!!!
With much love, gratitude and good wishes to you. Eamonn